Happy Armageddon!

So here we are, the day before the day a lot of people have been silently (or not so silently) freaking out about for a while. Ladies and gents, judgement day is almost upon us.

First things first, I don’t personally believe that the world is going to end tomorrow. Maybe that’s cause I quite like the idea that, thousands of years ago, the Mayans sat around their calendar giggling and saying “here, guys, I’ll tell you what will really shit some poor sods up one day – let’s tell them the world’s ending”.

Meanwhile in 2012, chaos ensues. 

For the sake of this blog, let’s not completely rule out the idea of the world ending. If it does, I imagine it to be a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy – the human race will unintentionally destroy the earth in their panic and confusion.

It’ll be like the riots in London last year. Most people weren’t actually rioting, they just took an opportunity to trash things and steal stuff. It’ll be like that all over again, the streets overrun with scallies who have jumped on the bangwagon of destroying everything in sight.

I’d actually rather we were all wiped out by a massive comet than have to watch morons set fire to buildings again. 

I do predict that a few people will be getting up to some crazy stuff tonight, just in case we don’t live to see another day. Ever since the term “YOLO” was coined (for nice, normal people, that means ‘you only live once’), people have been taking it to mean “I’m going to do something I know is really stupid and ridiculous but I shall justify it by saying YOLO afterwards, shrugging it off and ignoring the potential long term effects it may cause”. I imagine that even with the slightest chance of the world ending, we will see some extreme YOLOing tonight. It’s the perfect excuse. 

As I sat in front of the TV looking scruffy in man-sized tracksuit bottoms (how’s THAT for partying like it’s the end of the world, Jay Sean?!) I started to wonder if the ruckus had begun anywhere. Then I started brainstorming what havoc I’d wreak if I a) could be bothered, b) had the minerals and c) truly believed that my death was imminent. 

It turns out that I’m VERY boring. I couldn’t come up with anything particularly meaningful or creative. My best idea was probably acquiring a jet pack and flying through the skies of London naked while eating a red velvet cupcake, scattering crumbs like they were confetti and singing I’m Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado in between mouthfuls. Random..?

Bored, I asked my family the same question. The first person to think of an answer was my mum. And with these few sentences, she made my entire day. In fact, I can probably die happy now. 

Conversation went as follows:

Me: If there was absolutely no doubt that the world was ending, what would you do?
Mum: *ponders question for a moment* Well, I suppose I would cry and want to be with my family. Wait, no. I’d make a cake and then NOT wash the bowl up.

She is WILD. I genuinely think my mum’s plan of action is potentially the best thing I’ve heard all day. 

But it seems that instead of flying around spreading goodwill and cake to all men, I’ll be at home enjoying the increasingly sandpapery feeling in my throat. Getting ill just before Christmas is basically a talent of mine. 

I hope to post again soon, you know, if we’re not all perishing in a fiery cesspit that was once planet earth. If we are, I’ll see you all in hell. I imagine. Unless you’re good. Which I sincerely doubt you are since you’re reading my blog… 

Z. x

 

7 thoughts on “Happy Armageddon!

  1. I have now been sat wondering what most people would do if the world was about to end and basically I decided if they weren’t going to tell someone that they love them and hoped for a bit of apocalypse action then it would probably be like you said, masses of people pretty much rioting. Although with more stealing of fast cars I would imagine. And for some reason I also imagined some people trying to wave their genitals at the nearest member of the royal family.

    So all in all quite a crazy final few hours. But you would have to be 99.9% sure the world was about to end otherwise saying Yolo just won’t cut it when Prince Phillip is still pointing and nudging the Queen saying “you have to admire his balls to do that eh Liz”

  2. Hi Zoe, you have posted this on my birthday so thanks for the lovely present🙂 lol.
    I wouldn’t be too worried about the works ending, if it doesn’t, we get to laugh at some loonies, if its true, we won’t know long enough to care anyway.
    Glad to have you back so soon after your last blog, and hope things are better for you🙂 (you seemed comfy on strictly lol)
    If I knew you more, I’d send you a crimbo present, so hope you get everything you deserve and want🙂
    What you got planned for Christmas ?

  3. Apologies, this might be the second comment on one of your posts today? I guess I must be bored too ;-P However, I felt compelled to share some observations and poorly researched theories I have.

    In terms of what to do if the world is ending, your mum definitely has the right idea. All this silly naked jetpacking malarkey sounds fun, but it’s cold out there and you will instantly regret not bringing your man-sized tracksuit bottoms.

    I have two theories about those Mayan folk:

    Theory 1:
    This is the same as your view and I think, even right now, there are some Mayans hiding somewhere absolutely pissing themselves at all this Armageddon hysteria. You’ve got to admire their long game in this ingenious practical joke, they probably can’t believe it has finally come off! On December 22nd we will “magically” discover some new Mayan text that says “Only joking. LOL”

    Theory 2:
    No Armageddon, they ran the calendar until 2012 as that was sufficiently far enough in the future for them to care about. There was a meeting and the Mayan Project Manager asked the Mayan Calendar Engineer whether he was going to be ready by the “go live” date and he said he could only go as far as 2012 by the deadline. There was some discussion amongst the Mayan Calendar Team and the call was made that they would stick with that and go further into the future in the next release, Calendar 2.0.

    What would I do if the world was ending tonight? I’d probably go visit your mum and have some of that cake. Unless it was a chocolate cake that had fruit in it. You shouldn’t put fruit into a chocolate cake. The world may be ending but I still have my principles.

  4. The Aztek’s 52 year cycle ends october 2, 2027, so if we miss out on tomorrows armageddon, we get a new chance in 15 years. Comfy to know.
    A friend of mine flew out to New Zealand the other day. Since they are 12 hours before us, I asked him to text me if he sees any signs of the world ending. An early warning could be nice, even though I’m not the yolo-ing kind.
    Anyhow, if we go out with a bang tomorrow I also go with a good laugh after reading your post and picturing the giggling Mayans. You bring a lot of joy with your writing.
    In case we survive tomorrow, which I sincerely hope, ’cause I do want to follow your future success, I wish you a Merry X-mas and a most brilliant Happy New Year.

  5. Your idea of YOLO is actually quite brilliant and wonderfully creative! Except maybe you’d have to drink a whole lot of vodka beforehand as I imagine the skies over England get awfully chilly at night to jet-pack around in one’s birthday suit. Red velvet cake, red velvet cake, I’ve been encountering this in different media lately, and I think it means something, but it’s still another one of those Mayan mysteries. Speaking of the Mayans, I think it’s kind of funny that people suddenly want to pay attention to a civilization that was pretty much crushed by Spanish colonists, in lands that later became mere “banana republics” and bargain holiday resorts to the U.S., but now people are so keen to lend credibility to this idea of the world ending. All this while expert on the Mayan civilization find that the calendar does not predict an apocalypse, but rather simply a new age from which will emerge new ways of relating to one another.

    A mouthful, earful, food for thought, etc. but all in all, I think it points to the need to accept Red Velvet Cake as my personal saviour.

    Ok, and on a final note, I am sorry to hear you’re getting sick again–it seems not too long ago you had mentioned on twitter feeling ill. So, though I’m sure this is super-obvious to you already, never hurts to emphasize the power of Vitamin C, Zinc, echinacea, L-Glutamine all those good immune system helpers–and the queen of them all, beloved slumberland. (Along with handwashing, sleep/adequate rest is the best immunity booster.) No need to go so far as I have, and waste money on Nozin nasal sanitizer…supposedly helps kill airborne germs as you breathe, but really just a good air freshener for your nose!)

    Where was I? Oh yes, Red Velvet Cake, that’s my new years’ resolution….

    (sorry to blab on and on…but was invigorated by your brilliant blog post!!!) Hope you feel better soon!🙂

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